Harry Potter and the Idiots of Time
by dan heron
Summary: Everybody knows Harry is the boy who lived, savior and hero of the wizard world. Problem is, he isn't savior or hero. He could learn how to be one from somebody else, like the hero of time. legend of Zelda HP crossover. /Discontinued


First of all, sorry for not updating my other stories in a looong time… I'm lazy, can't help it. Yeh, I know, that's not excuse, but I stick to it.

Hello, and sorry for the long absence. I know this isn't my usual stuff, but I want to give it a try to a Harry Potter – Legend of Zelda crossover. I have a big AN explaining some reasons behind this monstrosity, but as we all hate huge AN shoved down our throats, I'm putting it at the end of this chapter.

Suffice to say: Harry is pretty much screwed from the beginning of the story all the way to the end. Voldemort already has his Horcruxes, people already are working to manipulate Harry's life, he already suffered a life of abuse, the bad guys have already won a couple books before the end, etc. As many people have pointed it out, the only way to change that is having a super powered Harry, having him travel back in time, or diverging the story into an AU. Well, this story will enter the last category; it'll start earlier than the book. And, well, I'll move it near to our time; I have problems following actual events, I can't really remember what happened in earlier 1990's. No, this isn't an excuse to give Harry an Ipod and make him listen to emo music 24/7.

The story is written for fun, not trying to go all epic on your ass. There may be some dark moments, but I'm aiming for something more light-hearted. The beginning may be a bit slow, background stuff and stuff, you know.

Disclaimer: Stuff belongs to a British woman, a Japanese guy and the Big N. Everything else to me.

Disclaimer 2: Pardon my brutalization of the English language. Not my first language, and I really don't know how to properly use British English. Any help will be gladly accepted.

From the silly ideas I have after getting hit on the head:

**Harry Potter and the Idiots of Time**

By: Dan Heron

Two young children stood near the exit of an alley, looking with wide eyes at a busy street; a street full of things and people too busy to pay attention at two little strangers. The children were a boy -too small for his apparent age-, and a girl -too tall for her apparent age.

The boy was the first to recover from his shock and stumbled behind a trashcan. The little blond tripped clumsily on his own feet, opting to crawl the rest of the way to lean against the nearby wall. The black haired girl followed suit, much more gracefully than her companion, but she still stumbled on him in the last stretch. They both looked at the other, taking in every detail of the other's body; a moment of silence and then they checked their own bodies.

The boy let out a tired sigh while the girl opted to slam her hand's palm against her forehead. Of course, they couldn't get a simple good thing happening to them. No rest for the wicked, as they say.

The girl started to mutter darkly under her breath and the boy decided to tune her down; he couldn't recognize most of the things he was seeing, but he could tell the people were Humans. After a few conversations made their way from the street to his long ears, he decided to add language in the unknown list.

The girl jerked back when an elbow hit her on the face; she didn't waste time to glare at her companion. The little boy ignored it as he stared at his arm for a moment before moving it again; after the third try, he finally managed to softly nudge his elbow against her ribs. Wincing, he looked up to the dark skinned girl; she simply nodded to his unspoken statement.

"_What did you want?_" she inquired, awkwardly landing on her butt as she tried to sit down. He simply jerked a hand in the streets direction; luckily she got the meaning behind the gesture. She strained her own long ears to pick up the sounds and reach the same conclusion. "_Do you have the Sheika earring?_" she hopefully inquired, even though she could see it missing from his ear. He patted his green tunic and his white pants before pulling a little blue earring from his pocket.

"_Great, get to work,_" she grumbled, looking down to her own odd outfit; a short leather jacket and some odd dress with slits on both sides of her thighs. In a woman, or at least a girl at the end of her teenager years, it would have looked alluring; on her, it was just silly. After a quick inspection of her persona, she slapped her forehead again. Only the clothes on her back, it seemed.

"_Not gonna fit in,_" he said, looking over his shoulder at the street. The girl joined him a moment later, _lightly_ pushing him down.

_"Nope," _she replied before sitting back. After a moment of thought, she raised her right hand, palm up, and closed her eyes. After a moment of concentration, particles of light started to appear on her skin before rising in the air and forming a small sphere.

_"Is that all?_"

_"Yes…_" she practically growled, looking at the inch-wide glowing sphere before snuffing it in her clenched fist. "_What's with this world? It almost seems as if there were no mana… What's holding it together?" _she said to nobody in particular, looking around the dark and filthy alley. "_Besides your clothes and the earring, do you have anything on you?" _she inquired in a hopeful tone.

He nodded, "_Have my rupees, but," _he shook his head no before looking away. _"Not the Master Sword… but, I don't think it's missing,"_ he mumbled.

"Considering we may be away from home, I wouldn't be horribly surprised. Triforce gone too?"

_"Yeah," _he replied without looking at her.

_"How do you feel about waiting for the night?_" she inquired, taking a look at the cloudy sky before closing her eyes and starting to mutter under her breath.

"_Don't have anything better to do_," he replied, giving a curious look to his companion. Seeing a string of blue words trailing off her slips as she whispered he shrugged, putting the blue earring on his ear.

For the next eight hours he kept looking at the street and the strangers while she kept muttering without stop. None of them complained about it, being already used to it after three years, each one busy doing something.

He quickly found several behaviour patterns –not too different from what he was used to find outside the Lost Woods-, with a subtle but a clear gender oriented standards. There seemed to be only one kind of Humans in this street, but until they hadn't set off to explore he couldn't be sure if there were different races out there. They seemed to use metallic discs and the occasional slip of paper as money –if the greed in their eyes was any indicator. The metallic vehicles appeared to be the main transportation, but judging by their shoe wear, they weren't opposed to long walks.

As the day grew darker, several lights came to life, illuminating the streets. Apparently this society is capable of manipulating at least some kind of Light energy.

He scratched his chin for a moment before clumsily stretching his left arm out. Forming a claw with his fingers, he pulled his hand down and the space in front of his fingers warped. He frowned at the lack of any other reaction and he tried again. Each time he clawed the air the distortion grew steadier and remained for a longer time, until it finally _ripped_.

A black tear appeared in the air and he stuck his hand in. After a moment, he started to push deeper into the tear until he was elbow deep. He pulled back with a frown on his face.

_"Didn't find anything, huh?" _the raven haired girl inquired in a teasing tone.

"No," he replied in a language she couldn't understand. Seeing the confusion on her face, he switched back, "_Sorry, but I think I finally got enough examples," _he replied, pointing a thumb in the street's direction. She gave him a feral smirk, celebrating their small victory before urging him to answer her previous question. "_Said, no, I didn't find anything in my dimensional pocket."_

"_Guessed that much," _she admitted, "_my scan showed we travelled back in time_."

He groaned, closing his eyes. "_Everything gone. How old are we?"_

"_Now, that's the fun part," _she told him in a conspiratorial tone. _"We are less than a day old. Seriously, no kidding here,_" she patted his head. "_We travelled at least thirteen years back, but that shouldn't be possible."_

"_Because the anchor is set to only seven." _

_"Yup. It seems good old Zelda didn't take in consideration the total amount of power she was currently wielding." _

_ "So, why weren't we destroyed in the paradox?" _he inquired, looking around. This didn't seem like the alter life.

_"My guess? The Master Sword didn't want to be destroyed in the paradox, but the power behind the travel couldn't be stopped. It couldn't just dump the excess of mana all over the world so it kept going until it had burned it all. Instead of letting us turn into dust in Chaos, I think it opened a portal to a world were we could be placed without creating a paradox. I'm hoping we will only be here until we reach the point we originally were supposed to be dumped._

_"As for why _I _am a midget, I blame it all on you." _

_"Come again?" _

_"You're the actual owner of the blade," _she explained, leaning against the wall as she crossed her arms. _"I don't think it'd have let us keep our older bodies, especially considering _when_ we were supposed to land. However, we aren't supposed to be here, or anywhere else for that matter. I'm betting my rupees on the sword making avatars to our souls, using _you_ as the base template." _

The boy blinked, giving a look over to the girl. "_So, this is what you'd have look like if you were a five year old Hylian?"_

The girl smirked wickedly, "_Ignoring the fact I still have my wings and tail, I'd say Yep! And I'm taller than you!" _The boy simply groaned. "_Well, that explains why our balance is so fucked up. Haven't been in this body for at least half millennia,"_ she muttered, watching her small fingers.

"_Back to be a midget," _the boy lamented his vertically challenged existence as he took off his earring. Without another word, the girl took the earring between her thumb and index finger and then pulled it with her other hand. The earring started to stretch until it snapped in half, quickly correcting it shape and leaving two identical, blue earrings. She tossed one back to the boy and she quickly put it on her ear and tested.

"The name's Navi," she said in a foreign language.

"I'm Link," the boy replied with a rough grin and Navi nodded with a smile.

"Well, seems we are ready."

"Only need to look for something more local," Link replied, pointing to their outfits.

"First I think we need to learn how to walk again," Navi said as she stood up. Two seconds later she landed back on Link. "Well, first I think we need to learn how to stand up again," she muttered darkly from the mass of tangled limbs.

-0-o-0-

In number 4 Privet Drive, a young five-year-old boy was looking at nothing, doing nothing, planning to do nothing at all in the near future.

That wasn't something particularly impressive or condemnable considering the fact he was currently in his second hour inside a cupboard bellow the stairs. The fact his aunt hadn't bothered turning on the light outside _his _door didn't help any.

It had been a good day overall. He didn't burn anything making breakfast, and his aunt had only told him he was going to learn to cook something new soon; that beat the usual screeching and insults.

School had been the same as always, without any… _weird­_ thing happening that day. No teacher had had their hair turned a different colour, things hadn't moved out of their place, and he hadn't found himself in a place he didn't remember how he got there.

Going back from home he hadn't been stopped by any crazy weirdo in the middle of the street, asking to shake his hand of giving him one of these weird winks. He still shuddered every time it happened.

He got some free time and he got to play on the park's swings! His cousin Dudley had been too busy in the house playing with a new toy he had gotten from another kid; his group of friends were with him. No Dudley and no Dudley's friends meant he had the park all for himself! Well, not really all for himself, there were other children around; he wasn't playing Let's Hunt Harry, and that was the important thing.

Then he had gone back to the house and started to make food. There was a bad thing there. He had been smiling too much –he had reached really high on the swings- and his uncle quickly made sure to fix that.

After he was done with the dishes, uncle Vernon received a phone call, cousin Dudley glued himself to the telly, and aunt Petunia quietly made her way to the window to make sure the neighbours didn't need anything.

That was when his uncle called for Petunia, aunt hurriedly shoved the boy and locked him in the cupboard, and for Dudley to laugh.

There were going to be guests, important guests from Grunning, it seemed, so he needed to be hidden.

Harry Potter ran a hand over his messy black hair, sighing quietly, and scaring a few spiders away.

It was a good day.

-0-o-0-

Sunrise met the form of two children running in the shadows of the town of Little Whinging, in Surrey.

They both stopped near a grocery store that was currently closed, recovering their breath. Well, Navi was recovering her breath.

"They can't fly," she managed to say between gasps, "Stupid idiots can't fly. Why can't they fly?" She complained, mourning her lack of flight. She wasn't capable of changing to her faerie size at the moment either, so she didn't get a free ride on Link's shoulder. "Stupid manaless world," she grinded her teeth, looking for something to vent her frustration on.

"There's mana," Link quietly replied, spying a small vehicle stop nearby, the passenger climb down, deliver two bottles of milk in front of a porch, take two empty bottles and return to his vehicle and speed off.

"I know, I know," Navi muttered, looking around.

Her initial assessment of their current location had been not quite accurate. There was mana in this world, as scarce as it was. As they left their alley, they were capable of spotting some flows of mana lingering in the area, but nothing like what they'd find in their home world. There had been some surges of energy every once in a while, but they had been way too weak to be accurately followed.

After two hours of following a small flow in the empty, dark streets, they stumbled upon a relatively large flow. It seemed the flow was a one way only, and they decided to follow it to its source. They could follow it to its destination later.

They had stopped and borrowed some clothes from place full of small stores and they discovered the people here wasn't quite trusting. They weren't very bright, considering the _children_ had had no problem with the breaking and entering, but they sure knew how to let people know when somebody was robbing them.

Hopping to be properly dressed for their current environment, they left the city they had appeared on and then ventured into the unknown.

The unknown shone more light upon the mana subject.

They passed several adobes that were surrounded by clusters of mana. Despite their hazardous leaking, Navi was capable of identifying them as some sort of runes and wards. The anchor stones they found were of good quality –they hoped- seeing as the local flora wasn't mutating and spontaneously sprouting fangs.

These wards helped to keep living sources of mana's _leaks_ from spreading around. The people living inside the houses seemed to like it that way.

These warded houses appeared to avoid any large settlement, and Navi and Link agreed that was safer. The mana used in these wards didn't react quite well with the energy used in the city.

"Up!" Link whispered, breaking Navi about her thoughts of this world, as he quickly started to climb the side of the building. The dark skinned girl looked longingly after Link; unable of changing sizes, flying… oh, the woes of being Navi.

The tall girl reached the rooftop three seconds after Link and just in time to see a door open near to their resting spot. They watched a woman stretch a moment before taking a relaxed jog down the street. They waited until she was out of sight before deciding to move.

Link waited a moment for Navi to get up from her brief trip back down. "Stupid tailless people," the girl muttered, trying to stand up. It wasn't so bad once she was already moving, but she still had problems starting moving; lack of wings and tail made it hard to get some balance.

She had used her reserves to change shape, realizing she would stand up among normal people. She was eager to find the source of the flow of mana; after travelling for so long, the flow was getting stronger and stronger, which promised a large source of energy for Navi.

"Alright, move," Navi nodded once she had regained her footing, and the couple started to run over the rooftops.

-0-o-0-

Harry had been edgy all day.

And thanks to that edginess, he had avoided Dudley and his friends so far.

Of all days for Dudley to be so active, why did it have to be Saturday? Schooldays were not so bad; classes got in the middle of Harry Hunting. Saturdays didn't have something as convenient as a class.

Harry barrelled through the parked cars, trying to find a new hiding spot once the hunters got too close.

He had given up some time ago asking for help to the neighbours. For some reason, everybody seemed to think he was some kind of hooligan or something. They walked to the other sidewalk when they saw him on the street, parents told their children to get away from him, children made faces at him before listening to their parents, teenagers weren't so bad now that he thought about it. In fact, some girls seemed to like him.

He didn't know if he liked the neighbours of Little Whinging or the crazy random people in the streets less. He shrugged; none of them were as nice as the teenager girls.

"I think I saw him going this way Dudley," he heard Piers, Dudley's friend, shouting. Time to move again!

He ran as fast as he could past the park, looking for a place to hide before giving up –Dudley's gang knew the park too well. He looked left and right and then took down a nearby street.

It was just his luck the Harry Hunters had taken the opposite direction and had ended up blocking the road.

The group stared at Harry and Harry stared right back. Many things went through Harry's mind in the interim, like how had Dudley become so clever, looking for a street he almost never took, how had they discovered his plan, had they run faster than him maybe, or had Dudley planned it all along.

The group was thinking: _Hey, that's Harry!_

It was in that moment that Harry's side decided to remind him he had been running almost all day long, sending not so subtly pins of pain all over him. He bent over, resting his hands on his knees, keeping an eye all the time on Dudley's massive size.

"Hey, it's the Freak!" Dudley finally remembered what the collective was thinking.

Harry blinked once, staring at his cousin.

Okay, maybe he had overestimated the baby whale's intelligence.

The little boy looked to each end of the street, wincing when he realized he was closer to the end with the group of children than the end that would take him back to the park. Things just got worse as he realized that there were not many doors, and the ones available looked rusted in place. There was garbage littered around, and that only meant more projectiles to use in Harry Hunting.

He tried to subtly stand up and get ready to run away, but he was still winded from before, and the pain wasn't giving up either.

All in all, Harry couldn't have picked a worst place to be.

"Hey, who are that?" one of Dudley's friends asked, looking past Harry.

"Iunno," another replied, and when Harry noticed more and more of them was ignoring him, decided to take a chance and look over his shoulder.

There were two kids that hadn't been there before.

A tall girl and a little boy, so little his head didn't even reach her shoulder, both dressed in new clothes, but they looked a bit _off_ on them. And they were barefoot…

"Hey you!" Dudley puffed his chest out, deciding to show he was the leader around here. "I'm Dudley and you can't be here!"

"Unless we say so!"

"Yeah, unless I say so!"

Harry was ready to see the typical reaction on the new kids: looking scared and run away from the gang.

Harry wasn't expecting to see the boy cast a lazy look at them before shaking his head and looking at Harry. The girl didn't even bother checking who had spoken, instead she was happy staring at Harry with an odd look in her eyes and an ever smirk on her lips.

For some reason, Harry covered the scar on his forehead. He felt really uncomfortable all of sudden.

"Oi, stupid gits!" Dudley sounded really mad. "I'm talking to you! Go away!"

The kids only started to move towards them, or as Harry noticed, towards a green eyed, black haired boy.

"You deaf or something?"

"Maybe they are friends of Harry?"

"Bah, who would be friends with the Freak? Hey… maybe they are freaks too!"

And _that_ comment was what finally earned him their attention. Harry couldn't take his eyes away from the new kids, but he could hear when Dudley's large body hit the ground when the girl and the boy focused on him.

"Freaks…" the girl said as if she were trying the word. "Freak," she said with what Harry decided was a really scary smirk.

The little boy didn't say anything, but for some reason Harry felt chills running down his back.

**TBC**

Why Link and Navi have clothes, an earring and rupees but lack everything else? The "Hero" tunic is made out of magic, like when Ordona gives Link his outfit in Twilight Princess; Navi makes her clothes the same way. The earring is a spell that allows him to understand different languages, made out of magic. They could use gold or other metals as money, but they can make those metals with magic, so it's not good for the economy; instead, flows of magic condense over time until they reach a crystallized form, and from there people mines the rupees. They can be reproduced, but they need a lot of magic and a lot of time; like, not in this lifetime.

Dimensional pocket: Something I have been using in my other LoZ fics besides of the Fairy Bags to let them carry their stuff. Yeh, I know people like to think Link actually carries all his stuff, but come on, how could he carry a boat, fifty kilos of explosives, ton heavy boots, a huge knife two times his size, a hunting bow and quiver full of arrows, etc. You could say he's really strong, but no, this is my fic.

Ah, Navi is inspired of a doujin version of her. If you have seen Red Rose in Hyrule or others in the series, you'll probably guess how much she kicks butt.

Link height: yeh, it's almost something of a running joke that Link is the smallest (not considering stray and guardian fairies, or the Picori) character in most games, especially when he's young. In Ocarina of Time, every single girl he meets is taller than him. You kinda feel sorry for the poor bugger.

Hmmm, should I stick with mana, or just say magic?

AN Ranty: This little monster comes mainly because I haven't found any good HP-LoZ crossover. And seeing as most HP-LoZ crossovers have to include Inu-Yasha, Naruto, Full Metal Alchemist, or another of the kawaii animes of the month, I decided to write one focused in Zelda and HP.

There's a little too much butt rape, or as fangirls call it, yaoi in the HP section… well, in any section, really. Not saying I'll toss holy water at any homosexual I can find, but come on, 6 males butt raping at the same time, and male pregnancy… yeh, it doesn't need more explanation –I can just hear the fangirls stopping reading this, or reading to flame me-.

Overly done "dark" fics are a no no. Reality is already bleak as it is, people; and the ones who have had a rough life will only laugh at your attempts of "dark" story. Doesn't mean I'll make Harry's life all rainbows and flying ponies either.

It'd be really unfair to put any of the HP characters in the world of LoZ, handing the sheep to the wolfos, really. So the story will be placed in the HP setting. Otherwise they wouldn't last to the end of the week. They already have problems dealing with "normal" sized monsters, creatures, plants, etc.; the flora and fauna in LoZ has what I like to call "stupidly big" proportions.

I'm starting the story this "soon" because otherwise Harry will grow up to be the nice suicidal hero he grows up to be. JKR screwed Harry so badly even before the book started.

Hmmm, that wasn't too long, but I think it's better than ranting in the beginning of the chapter.

Well, that's all. Hope you liked it. Tell me if you did. Tell me if you don't and how to fix it.


End file.
